She has no time..

This song by Keane was taken from One Tree Hill Season 2, and it sparks an immense sadness whenever I listen to it. It basically is about how a girl wants to pursue her dreams and forgets where she comes from or who she belongs to, or committed to, or in love with. I also juat realised that Nick Lachey's I Can't hate you anymore is nothing but immense hurt and filled with "we could've..." notions. Its really sad. An addition to songs that make me sob is Muse's Blackout...its about death at a young age :(

To add more to this sad sad entry, I just watched Sepet and sobbed my fucken heart out, especially towards the end, when she finally reads the letter she so stupidly put one side. And when Ah Loong sobbed on his mother's lap...god I couldnt control my tears that time..why am I such a sucker for really emosh parts of songs/movies?

Sepet is one of the 3 movies I would cry and cry everytime I watch it.
First movie: About the purest friendship you can ever every get, even when death do physical seperation.
Second movie: Sepet, la!
Third movie: About the loss and regret you get when you're so pissed at what your family does to you sometimes, and when it's too late..you can't change the fact or bring it back.

But thank god I watched Sepet....I needed a really good cry.........:(

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I have an outburst of mixed emotions as my degree course comes to an end. I dont know why i'm clouded in the thickest of anxiety, sorrow, sadness, and in the same time, the utmost happiness, joy, pride, etc.

As I sat and pondered in my peejays, my cup of camomile tea(fucking period cramps), and daisy, my precious token and a substitute of Nick(in a form of a sheep, i'm weird). How I long to be hugged and caressed and cuddled up again. (I cant believe i'm crying and writing this)Being with him was nothing but joy to me, sheer, endless joy, joy cut like the finest of diamonds.

* I miss sitting with him in the dark basement, always damp and cold, and we'd be cuddling and shivering at the same time, and how I'd get a double attack of goosebumps from him and from the cold weather.
* I miss just laying by the canal banks and looking at the blue sky during summer.
* I miss going for fajitas at the Trafford Centre and Chillis KLCC (right after we've just woken up from like what....a 6 hour nap?) LOL
* I miss pillow fighting with him
* I miss wonderful dinner parties with him, his friends and family
* I miss having a beach holiday with him (i've only been to two with him)
* I miss making dandelion chains while he makes a lil flower clip and sticking it on the mounds of hair right above my ear

I cant seem to possibly write everything down...but bottomline is...

I.WANT.TO.BE.THERE.

I.DO.

I.REALLY.REALLY.DO.

Why do I miss him so much? Its been a year and a half...

I'm going insane......
I feel like curling up to my pillow and dying....
Patient? To hell the patience! I've been patient enough!
Dad, why do you have to be so bloody harsh on him? Cos he's better than you in so many ways?????!!!!
Why doesn't he understand?
What is making him so coccooned to his fucking nutshell of emptiness?
Overprotective? You must be kidding me!!

How i long for his embraces? :|
I'm immobilised
I had to get substitutes from Daniel, I can't believe it :(
I'm torn.
My will is breaking into two.

I need him.

DEB, if you're going to England in December, can I follow you?

Diwali and others

EID MUBARAK
SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI

to all Muslims
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My Diwali was so-so, partly because the stagnant progress of my thesis was killing me, but now I;m just 2 paragraphs away from completion. Not to mention, other tutorial preparations I have to start working on, and slides have to be submitted to Deb so she will compile it together.

About Diwali, yes, had my long, deserving jog (not that long, just 1 hour, actually). Rushed home, had a traditional oil bath, got myself clad in my green kutta top my sister bought from India (its really pretty), but it became more ketat than when I tried it the first time. Fuck the weight accumulation man! *sighs* Then it was off to dad's elder brother's place just 5 mins drive away from my place. It was mainly just a visit to my uncle's anyway, because its funny how they don't take Diwali so seriously. We had some panni puri, idli with some chicken kurma, and I'm telling you, this chicken kurma is the shit! Just talked to my aunt and uncle, cousin was off her way to work(on Diwali day)..life is tougher than you all think, huh? So we spent about an hour and a half there, partly cos my cousin has just adopted a 3 month old baby and we were waiting to see her. Such a lovely doll, name's Preethika :)



After that it was all the way to Bangsar, to my dad's oldest sister's place. We were treated to the best array of Indian dishes, and stepping into the house itself spark a feeling of heavenly aura, from the decor and the ambience, to the warm welcome and open arms my aunt has always showered us with. My cousins are wedding planners, interior designers, caterers and hair stylists, so what dya expect from them when you go over for a speacil occassion? Absolutely delectable, mouth watering food topped up with decors dying to be awed at. And it was true enough :) We had waaaaay too much to eat after my last bite, I was thinking on going for a week fasting without anything but water. My baju as usual, was at its breaking point, but thankfully it stayed intact without really obvious crevices. Here are some pics of the decors






After that, it was off to Kajang to my mum's oldest brother's place. By this time, I couldnt take anything more down my mouth but to wash it all down with some rather refreshing cocktails my cousin made. It was a weird concoction of vanilla, peel fresh, sprite, peach juice and beer. I added almost half a bottle of Bourbon to my drink, so I was at the end of the day, pretty wasted. But conscious, really, well aware of my surroundings, finally succumbing into the car for an hour on the way back home. Had Shelly, Kim, Carlos and Matt over for drinks and cookies at night. Got down to 2 bottles of Malibu, and what can I say? I'm rather satisfied....:D

The things Hollywood does to you...

I've been reading The Devil Wears Prada currently, and you know how Andrea is so reluctant to answer Miranda's calls and give 2 shits about her menacing demenours?
I was feeling terribly sick and told Nick I need to sleep early, this doesn't give me much of a time to talk to him so I told him to buzz me at 1am. He did. I woke up when the phone drummed into my ears....and I had an "evil and commanding Miranda Priestly dream" that time. It went off and kept ringing for like a good 12 times, and I couldn't get myself to pick the phone up....with such an apparent thought it was MIRANDA PRIESTLY on the phone. So I didn't answer, he hung up...and that is when I got smacked into reality. It was Nick who called. Damn. So much for the waking up and the array of distraction that came along with it. And knowing him, he must've thought I fell asleep like a log...so I waited for him to give it another shot and I told myself I'm picking up this call and it was from Nicholas Rogers, not Miranda Priestly. He didn't.

For the past few days I've been tucking myself in very early, accompanied with uncomfotable notions that I may just depart anytime. Call me a sicko embedded and blinded in my wholesome paranoia, but the thought of my soul just departing without a single warning just seeps into my highly vulnerable temple. It's scary. I envision myself departing......going...going.......gone.......and..the next morning, mum and dad are sobbing their hearts out at my departure. Sometimes I feel like my time is coming soon. I don't intend to be death-obssessed but sometimes its just a feeling I can't hide. And I have an unspeakably horrible fear of death, at a young age. Probably the thoughts and possibilities of me dying early is haunting me at a very disturbing degree. And now, I try to make myself to not learn-driving-in-a-hearse or visit-JimMorrisson's-grave-every-weekday, cos you think absolute death at an early age, you get absolute death at an early age.

But really, I've been so sick as though I've suffered a neurologically vegetative state + Alzheimers + cerebral edema with a twisty metwork of nerves, bound to electrocute me literally. I;ve been entirely restless and so weak I can't bring myself to climb a flight of stairs easily, and the list goes on and on.

I think it is because, despite certain happiness I've gained, it doesn't mend and cure the deep loneliness inside...yes I am a very "Sendirian Berhad" person - like what my uncle said. I like my time to reflect and rejuvenate, but it's really gone to a bad extent that sometimes I don't even know myself. Like a soul withering away in a land of nothings, non-existants, isolation, etc. But the human heart and mind is never satisfied easily. It is up to how people combat or fight out their way to perfected happiness. But its just not me. Maybe now that I'm spiritually down that I've been attacked physically as well? I don't know, and for sure, who can tell? I've spoken to Liz and she says a soulmate is all I need. Right. I don't even know what a soulmate does anymore. I've claimed to have "found" the "soulmate" I've been looking for forever, but...really? Why am I still like that despite the help of a "soulmate"? Is it because I am seeking solace from the jolly good material side? *sighs*
I know what can feed my soul - bizarre, out-of-the-world experiences.
My eyes need to see something more than usual - afterall its the window to your soul.
Being stagnant doesnt help, I know, and so it works to other people too.
I just feel people do not have the time for me anymore - to sit down and chat up about things. I'm living in a "it's-all-about-them" world. I should be strong enough to accept that, but.......well i've made my drift. Its all a puzzle to be picture-perfected.

PHB

I've found happiness after so long - through a holiday. And this is not just any other holiday. It's Phuket aka Heaven, and I've spent it with the best company imaginable (oh well besides Nick, but he can be a boring lil sod) and now i'm down with severe PHB (Post Holiday Blues - Nick coined the term for me) The tendency to just pack my bags and go for another holiday is soooo likely. Oh well, its just a tendency *sobs*

From cabaret shows, to the "cuci-mataing", to the food and sightseeing, to the beach, every moment was so enjoyable and meaningful to me and I could never ever thank anyone more for this happiness than Deborah, Jasmine, and Harwinder (oh and to a certain extent, the yummylicious guys, the Dr. Selva lookalike at the cabaret, and our tuk-tuk guy)

I hate harsh realities!!!! *SOBS*